distractions

I've noticed an odd pattern in my life, the things that I hate the most and dedicate the most time into, make me feel well... Nothing. My thoughts are jumbled and my mind is a mess, seemingly good feeling only make me feel bad afterwards and sad books fascinate me and make me happy. The distractions imposed by school make me forget all of that, I no longer have thoughts or an identity I'm only an agent of math, physics etc. even seemingly innocent things like skiing can completely distract from any and all thought, I still think about the same things but there is no emotional feedback no way to access them. Maybe all this distraction is good, maybe this all is happening because I'm not distracted enough, I still feel the longing.